halfway.

i am not one of those people who loves every second of being pregnant and sits around thinking, "isn't this the most beautiful thing ever?"

because, well, it sucks sometimes. i won't share about that because if you haven't been pregnant you should remain in ignorant bliss.

but halfway. wow. i never thought this would happen.

on one hand, this pregnancy has flown by (probably because i kept it to myself for so long), but on the other hand…is it over yet?

i just can't wait to meet this little being who kicks me all day long.

are you a boy or a girl?

will you have your dad's blue eyes? (i hope so)

will you be endlessly happy and calm, also like your dad? (i hope for this too. your dad is the best.)

i can't wait to find out.

baby.

it still makes me nervous to say it, but it's true. i am pregnant.

pregnant enough to see it. pregnant enough to have seen this little one twice already. i've heard its heartbeat. this little one has made me more exhausted than i thought humanly possible, and has given me my first experience with chronic heartburn. this little one has also made me cry at the drop of a hat. yes, i've cried over laundry, over being too tired, over having to make dinner, over feeling lonely--you name it, i've cried over it.

a few weeks ago we saw the baby again. what a sleepy baby. hand on their face, acting as though its terrible parents were keeping her/him from a great nap. finally, a wave. oh that wave. there was a moment in that ultrasound room where ben was so excited. and it's a moment i store in my heart and will treasure forever.

but i am still nervous. it's been such a long scary road, and i didn't know if this would happen.

i'm waiting for the day that i can feel little baby gymnastics because then i will know that she/he is alive and well and letting me know it.

dealing with infertility and loss is not a road i wish upon my worst enemy. it messes with your heart. it messes with your head. it messes with your body. it messes with your relationships. it's just a mess. i am so thankful that i have a fighter of a husband who went in the trenches with me as we navigated our way through this mess. what a mess it was. and that's the part that no one talks about. everyone assumes it's hard on the woman (and the man) going through it, but no one talks about the mess. and they should. because what no one warns you about is how isolating it feels as you're going through that mess.

but now, hope. a baby who waves at us. i can't wait to meet that baby. that baby who chose me to be their mommy.

changing tides.

september is the beginning of a lot of change for me. 

i'm not quite ready to divulge into details. 

new adventures. new people, new places. 

i'm excited. 

leaving behind the old is scary. but moving aside will help in the end.  

(i don't want to say ahead because i'm not quite sure it's a step forward)

i am honestly waiting for the first half of october to go away. 

for those painful days to pass me by. i think i'll be able to let out a sigh of relief when it's over. 

onto the next year. (even though this one isn't technically over)

i've been trying to remain centered. 

in all my hurt and grief and processing and changing and distracting

 i've found myself caught up in my own head.

 in my own heart. in all the emotions. 

it's not easy, all of this. 

i'm kind of a hippie and bought this bracelet to help me. 

people who are really into yoga and meditation wear these or the necklaces. 

i found one that speaks to my heart.

it's meaning struck a chord. 

it's not magic. but it helps. 

as i touch each bead, i'm reminded to stay focused on what's important. 

i feel centered. 

i take a step back and re-evaluate.

it took over a year, but i've found ways to feel peace. 

i've gotten excited again.

it feels good. 

**this is how i feel when i hold a baby. wherever you are baby, you have no idea how much love awaits you. 

***i know how i blog now probably seems odd. but it's the only way to get the thoughts out, and i like it.

dog days of summer.

it's august.

the month when i think to myself "wait, where did summer go?"

hold on summer, stick around a little longer!

there's so much i want to do!

but, here we are. summer is ending. 

i feel the pressure even more because my summer session at work is in its final week. 

then just 2 weeks off. 

then it's back to the normal routine. 

whoa.

i guess i should give a little summer update, right?

i mean little. 

i can't possibly talk all about my entire summer in this post. 

first, no one cares. 

second, it would be too long. 

let's just say it was full of hot days, projects, good food and baby smiles. 

oh baby smiles, how you melt my heart.

  

blueberry picking with special girls. they made this summer so sweet, and filled a hole in my heart. 

nieces are a precious gift. so is a kind sister-in-law i am so lucky to have.

farm fresh ice cream. farm fresh fruits and veggies bought in the town i love.

sweet snuggles from the sweetest girl. i miss her.

most of my precious family. how i miss the days when we all lived so close. 

new ink. i want more.

still to come: a much needed week of relaxing with my love. 

i can't wait.

i want to post here more, too. 

more about life. 

more about health. 

i'll try.

him.

i'm alone a lot. probably more than i have the treasured company of my husband.

he works a lot. sometimes, he comes home when i'm brushing my teeth to go to bed. i sleepily smile at him and say hello while i wash my face. i try so hard to stay awake to talk to him, and most of the time i'm successful.

i have a lot of time to clean our house, to pin silly pictures and to think. i spend so much time just simply thinking. so much time that i am completely baffled when he tells me that there's a lot of times where he's thinking "nothing". how does someone think nothing? but i appreciate that. i appreciate the ability to have a calm mind and just be.

in this thinking, i think about us. i think about him. i think about what he sees. how he feels. how lucky i am.

sometimes i wish i could see what he sees, and feel what he feels. to go back in time and relive all of our moments and see if i've missed anything. missed a look, a smile, the way he's so calm and happy. i would happily relive all of our good and our bad times, because in the end it means that even though it's 11pm on a wednesday and i'm climbing into bed and he's just coming home, at least he's home. and i'm his.

being chosen.

recently i have had a change of thinking on this whole baby thing. ever since we started on this new road of loss, pain, sadness, hoping, testing and waiting in our baby journey, i've been trying to figure out what it will be like from here on out. what happens if my body can't carry a baby? am i meant to do something else? how will we get our baby?

but then, something changed. instead of thinking about it in a way that means that i'm getting my baby, i began to think about this beautiful baby choosing me.

our baby is "out there" somewhere. she's waiting (yes, i like to think/hope our baby is a girl) for us. she's waiting for the perfect moment to come into our lives and change us forever.

maybe she'll come by being carried by another woman who ben and i choose to carry her for us. maybe she'll be made and brought into this world by a different mama, but we will be hers.

she chooses us. someday, somehow a baby will choose me to be her mama and she will choose ben to be her dad.

this helps, this thinking. this reminds me that the gift of a baby is just that, a gift. i will be the luckiest woman in the world to be chosen to be someone's mama. it reminds me to be patient. it reminds me that life takes twists and turns, but out of the horrible parts (and there have been many of those), there are great gifts.

we're waiting, baby. whenever you're ready.

labeled.

let's talk about labels.

no, not the kinds you stick on baskets and bins to keep yourself organized. the kind that people like to assign to other people so they can fit them in some little box (yes, it's about to get real "hippie" up in here).

i hate them. i fight against them. do not label me. i call myself a hippie sometimes because of this, but even then something inside me is twitching.

i will never register with any political party and have no desire to.

i don't identify with any one religion/belief system and have no desire to.

i am moderately feminist. but i don't even think feminism should be a term and i would cringe at the thought of being called one.

i'm a vegetarian. but someday i might not be. and i don't like how that translates to "picky eater" for most people. i just say "i don't like meat."

see a trend here? luckily i have a husband who loves this about me, and while he may laugh sometimes and not really understand why i'm so label-aversive at least he appreciates it. he is not so opposed to labels, by the way. which i can appreciate and even understand. it might make life easier for some people.

but me? none.

i am a person. a woman. a wife. a friend. a sister. (and okay, maybe a hippie) label me that way. but do not confine me to anything else.

i will say that i don't care if other people label themselves as anything, align them to certain groups/religions etc. I'm all about whatever makes you happy and doesn't hurt anyone.

linked.

i read these 9 insights this weekend and it really struck me. some things i had already heard, one thing i didn't agree with at all (i don't know where i stand on the last point about suffering, i have to think about it more), and the rest are things that got me thinking.

i know the website the link is from might be a little odd to some, but i kind of liked reading some other things on it. i am a thinker. not compulsively like that 9 insights says. but truly, i am always aware of what i am doing, how i am acting and thinking about how this may be perceived, why i'm doing it, etc (this does not mean i always make the best choices). i am always thinking. it's a blessing and a curse. sometimes ben will exclaim "who thinks about that?!" me. i think about "that" ("that" referring to many different topics that at times i discuss).

i know it's only monday, but maybe it will kick the week off right!

happenings.

here's what's going on around here:

-i'm currently pissed off that f*ing snooki is having a baby but i have to get tests because i can't. yes, i'm whining about a stupid "famous" person. don't judge me.

-i got a card in the mail today. it was a "just because" card. i cried. i think it might be the nicest thing that has happened to me this year. people don't send mail anymore. especially people who only live up the street. i am so blown away by this act of kindness and so thankful. it just goes to show what a few minutes writing a card and mailing it can do for someone going through something tough.

-speaking of crying, i've become this overly-sensitive emotional disaster. is this what my life has become? i cry at random moments. sometimes in public. sometimes when ben is asleep and i'm still awake and i feel like an idiot. i need to get over myself.

-it was 60 degrees today. it made my heart happy. i hate winter. snow, you can melt anytime now.

-we finally bought a table to eat at. but it's too tall. so, i'm forcing ben to cut down the legs to make it the right height. no, i'm not really forcing ben but he will do it. because he knows that happy wife=happy life and his wife isn't happy with a table that's too tall.

-2 kids [students] went home today with the stomach bug. 1 kid was crying and gagging and we thought he would go home. 2 kids were out already because of the stomach bug. super. thanks, kids.

-i can't do these photoaday things. i don't like being confined to rules. i do what i want. i'll take a picture when i feel like it. take that, you photoaday trend. i've thought about just picking and choosing which photo days i like and taking the pictures for them when i feel like it. you know, for inspiration. but doing it my own way. because that's how i do things.

-i should do a blog post all about how i don't like rules or being told what to think/what i should do, etc. i think it's [part of] why i don't like [any] religion, why i'm a feminist [but i don't like being labeled], and why i had some problems with college. i like learning, but i hate lectures & having to go to classes that have boring lectures that regurgitate what i just read--i'll have you know i did well in college though, i'm intelligent but i wanted to do things my own way. maybe i'm really just a hippie.

that gene some people have.

you know how some people just don't want kids?

well, i just don't want a house. am i missing some important gene?

honestly, i dream of living in an old apartment forever. i don't even care if i own it. i think we'll only own a house because ben has this idea that it's important. and, well, a brownstone in boston is a little out of our price range right now. but maybe someday it won't be.

{isn't it just beautiful? who needs a house?}

{have you seen keri russell's brownstone? to die for}

not to mention, there is only one style of house i would settle for and that's a craftsman bungalow. but, i'm picky about how it would need to look and what it would need to be like. and well, we'd have to build because this is new england and everyone has a colonial. it all sounds exhausting. 

just give me my apartment in downtown boston. i'd be a happy girl. 

let's try this again.

{march 1: UP}

this photo didn't capture the snowflakes falling like i would have liked, but i tried several times and couldn't make it work. iphones don't have the best cameras in the world. i took this photo standing on my deck, so that's not my house. 

hopefully i'll be better this time around with taking pictures, and maybe march will be better to me than february was. 

blog? is that you?

oh, hello.

i haven't been writing because i am finding it hard to fake something happy to write about.  no, i'm not depressed. life just isn't dripping with rainbows and unicorns right now.

i've been spending too much time thinking and figuring out where i go from here. what does life look like? what will life look like? what should life look like? what do i want life to look like?

will there be kids? am i really grieving, and if i am, where am i in that process? i don't think the grieving process is something where you move through all the steps in order. i think most days i've accepted it (the losses), other days i'm depressed, other days i'm in complete denial, and others i'm completely pissed off and i hate every pregnant person. and, if we're being honest here, there are (very few) days i'm relieved. i hate thinking that. i hate saying that. but i'm learning so much and that wouldn't have happened without this horrible thing happening to me (twice).

the only thing i wonder is when that is all over. will it just become something i'm not sad about anymore? is this what "real" grief is like? i say real because it's not like i ever met these babies. i think there's something extremely different between a baby you've had around for 5 weeks and a person you've had around for 5 years so i don't know if i consider this real grief (which i've never experienced). will it become something i just causally mention in 10 years? it seems weird to me now. maybe i'm just being dramatic.

* * * * * * * * * * 

i've started doing things (or not doing them) because i want to (or because i don't want to). mostly the not and the don't are what's happening.

if i don't want to write here, then who cares. i don't want this thing to be popular anyway. i'm shy, that's too much work.

i don't think i'm opening an etsy shop. why? because i don't want to spend the time telling people about it and plugging it. i tend to shy away from things that are popular or that lots of people are doing because i don't like being in the midst of a whirlwind or a party. opening an etsy shop is like a big party everyone is going to, and i don't want to go if too many people are going. i'm anti-social like that.

and again, i'm shy. i'd have to talk to strangers and tell them about this thing i'm doing and then there's too much pressure for it to be perfect, and i want it to be unique and not too trendy. then there's blogs and twitter, and ugh. it all sounds exhausting to me. am i lame? i think i'm lame. or i'm just not a saleswoman. i teach children. they don't require any selling to. persuasion to learn letters? yes. but i don't need to sell to them.

so, i'll make stuff for me. if you want to see it, i'll show you. maybe in the future i'll open an etsy shop and tell no one. i'll just see if people magically buy things.


that's all for now. i'm done whining. happy tuesday!

how not having a baby has motivated me.

i've tried 2 times to have a baby.

2 times i've witnessed my body fail me as i lost the baby.

2 times i was sad (the second time was worse).

but now, i'm motivated. i'm sure this seems odd, so let me explain.

when you're trying to have a baby, there's things you just don't do. there are plans you put off because you're pregnant and well, your life is about kids now.

then, you lose a baby and your life is about you again. i think there are things i've been waiting to do, or just not doing because i knew that a baby would be in my future and i was already reshaping my life for that baby.

well, 2 times later, i don't have a baby. so i've been drinking, eating horrible food (rarely), not taking vitamins, jumping around, working out, lifting heavy things and making plans.

i'm not revolving my life around this anymore. if i can't have kids, i'll get a dog.

if i have the one child i want, then my dreams will have come true and it will be the best thing.

but for now i'm going to drink margaritas, go on trips, buy things for myself, and go out more.

sometimes i feel selfish and shallow. and maybe this is just really a part of grief and i'm in denial.

so what.

if buying clothes and planning beach trips makes me happy right now, so be it. i can't feel sorry for myself and i can't spend all my time angry or sad. i need to live my life.

no, i'm not going to stop trying to have a baby.

but i'm not going to stop trying to be better either. someday, i'll think i'll be thankful for this. right now, it still sucks. and my longing for a child has not changed. i get sad, extremely jealous, angry, and fearful.

but just like everything else in my life, i have to stay positive. hopefully it helps.

ramblings.

it's friday and i'm rambling because it's all i have left. if you want a better post you're on the wrong blog today!

i love our new home. i know we'll be here for several years (as many years as we can be) and i love that feeling.

the moment we moved in it felt like home. granted, we have no furniture and we have a lot to do but i already feel like this is my home. it's not just a place i'm renting. it's cozy and lived in.

i've been so busy recovering from a personal loss and from all that comes with packing up all of our belongings and moving them somewhere else that i haven't had time to write out any of my thoughts.

i haven't had time to even think about taking pictures. i want to, but i just haven't. i think it's a good practice for me so i'm going to keep trying but i'm not going to hold myself to something.

i've been too busy figuring out where we're going to buy a couch from.

i've been wondering when we'll get a kitchen table so i can stop eating dinner from the couch.

i've been wondering if i'll ever have a baby.

i've been wondering why it's been so difficult for me so far in this baby journey.

i'd like one life event to go off without a hitch.

i'm thinking i need to stop having a pity party for myself and get a grip. maybe i will have a baby, or maybe i'll just have a dog. i need to start thinking about the reality of the situation and stop being so whiny. it's time to start thinking of what the future could look like. (it's not like i've given up hope, people. but i'm a realist.)

i'm thinking that i have no excuse not to put my creative energy to work. i need to start doing some stuff now that i have a lovely home and space to work!

more thoughts to come and maybe even a picture or two if i'm feeling generous.

insert day 3 photo here.

i'm not doing a photo today. it's not a good day. at all. i'm taking a break from writing down my thoughts.

tomorrow maybe i'll be in the mood to post. we're finally moving!

words. {day 2.}

{words: starbucks.}

i know it's only one word, but this word helped me get through my day. 

sometimes work gets a little too stressful and i just need to leave the building. so, at lunch time i go down the street and get a starbucks drink. for about fifteen minutes i forget i'm even at work. 

i got a soy hot chocolate, in case anyone cares :)

my view.

in february i'm going to try to do this trendy photo-a-day thing. we'll see how good i am at remembering. 

{my view: packing to move.}

we move in 3 days! i have so much to do and this is a very small portion of my living room that is being taken over by boxes. i can't wait to be done with this and in our new place!

weekend.

i had a great weekend. one of the best i've had in awhile. this post would be better if i had pictures but i just didn't remember to take any because i was having so much fun.

on friday i went to a friend's house to celebrate her birthday. we laughed. a lot. we ate delicious food, but mostly, we laughed. there were no deep conversations, but we didn't need them. it's been a long time since all of us were together and it was such a great feeling to be together again. some friends from out of town stopped by, but mostly it was just us girls.

i love girl time. i've always loved it but as i've gotten older and once i got married i appreciate that girl time so much more. we understand each other as women, and we can talk about our marriages, plans, hopes, and dreams. we don't need to do a whole lot when we're together because the time together is the important part.

i'm so thankful for these friends and looking forward to the next time we get together.

remembering loss.

be prepared.

this is about to get really heavy. and probably sad. if you don't like sad heavy blog posts, then please go back to doing what you were before you stumbled here. i'm guessing it was pinterest. go look at happy pictures of kitchens and things you want to diy because you'll find none of that here. but, if you don't mind one heavy & sad post, then stick around.

because really, i'm doing this for me (and it isn't easy). there are many things i will not share here on this blog (or even in this post). for every 1 detail i reveal about myself there are probably 1,000 things i keep a secret. i'm like this in person, too.

but this loss, this story is something i think belongs out here. maybe someone can stumble upon it and relate.

maybe they'll know someone who went through this pain and they can read this.

or, maybe i'm just sharing my heart and it's a release for me to write this here.

*****

in november 2011, i found out i was pregnant.

it was a happy moment. happy, but scary.

then, in december 2011 i watched in shock as my body failed me. the baby died.

the experience is physically, emotionally, and mentally very painful.

it's isolating.

i have a husband who was of course saddened by this, but his body wasn't holding anything. his body didn't experience the death.

mine did.

for weeks i was on a ridiculous emotional roller coaster.

some days i would cry on and off for hours. some days, i would be fine.

sometimes someone would say something completely innocent that would remind me of my loss and i would feel it again.

sometimes people said things like "well, it won't happen again." or "maybe it wasn't meant to be" or "you'll be fine" innocent sayings that were like a knife to my heart.

innocent sayings by people who didn't know, who would say things like "well when you start having kids…" ouch. pain. reminders.

it's january 2012.

sometimes, i feel sad still. mostly, i have this awareness of life and fragility and control that i didn't have before. i appreciate the process of becoming a mother. my baby may have died, but i was a mother. am a mother. i am different.

the next time, i will feel immediate apprehension. i already do, and it isn't the next time yet. i'm already too scared to get excited at even the possibility again someday.

this could happen again.

maybe it won't. but it could.

but for now, i'm okay. i remember, but i look forward. i am aware, i am sensitive, i am learning.

learning.

if you need to find me, i'll be spending my free time getting some awesome free education.

have you explored itunes U?

what about khan academy?

there was something about going to class in college that i never liked. but, i love learning (this is probably why finishing my bachelor's online worked so well for me).

i have been listening to/watching lectures non-stop for the past few days.

TED talks is also good, too.

do i sound like a nerd yet?