getting it all done.

sometimes i fall into the trap of thinking i have to do it all.

somehow i'm supposed to come home after being with kids all day who don't know how to listen (literally, we have to teach them to pay attention to us--not their fault) and spend time cleaning and getting my husband to listen to me.

why do i feel like it's my job to make sure everything is "just so"? who said that as a wife i have to make sure everything is clean and in order? granted i do have to cook because i would end up doing it regardless.

as i did the dishes this morning, i found myself wondering why as a wife i think these things are my responsibility. to be fair, i almost never do dishes anymore. that chore has somehow morphed into being what ben does and i'm honestly very okay with that. but the rest of it? well, i somehow manage to make it my burden.

i made a list of all that i want to accomplish this week. and then i decided what things to give ben to do. out of a list of about 30 things, i think he has 7. why? why do i think it's fair to give him only 7 things to do, and burden myself with the other 30? we both work. we both get tired at the end of the day. we both live here and pay to live here.

i need to stop thinking it's somehow my responsibility and start leaving more to share with him.

what really ends up happening is i get so overwhelmed with all i think i have to do that i end up doing nothing, already so exhausted by just the thought of the list.

being a wife doesn't mean it's my job to clean or do anything else wives end up doing. it means i'm part of the team. so it's time to take some burden off of me and share a little. to be fair, this has nothing to do with ben and all to do with me. he doesn't notice when i skip out on things.

a girl who reads.

i like to think i'm a girl like this. also if god forbid i have a son instead of a daughter, he's not allowed to date someone that isn't like this.

Date a Girl Who Reads by Rosemarie Urquico

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has

problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she

wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her

bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out

when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a

second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when

they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug,

the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the

 author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. 

Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship.

Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound

intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, and for

anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton,

Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the

difference between books and reality but by God, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her

favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other

things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who

understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin

again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like

characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her

chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she

will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while,

they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick.

Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest

yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She

will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the

winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow

off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful

life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then

you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

sailing the friend-ship

lately i’ve really been thinking a lot about what it means to be a friend. i don’t just mean someone you talk to every now and then who might know something about you, but a real true friend. the older i get, the more i realize how important these relationships are—the friendships i have.

being married means that i’m always around my very best friend. but being married also means that my other closest friends need to become a more focused priority for me. in highschool, that’s what it was all about—having friends and having fun. in college i learned that having adult friends is different, and can be something lifelong. i learned how to live with someone else, and how to keep up friendships when our lives are going in different directions.

now i find myself in that adult part of life when everyone has jobs, spouses (or significant others), and maybe even children. suddenly it’s not so easy to just go out for coffee, or go shopping. if i talk to my very closest childhood friend more than a few times a month i feel lucky. spending precious time with this friend one time during a month is a real treasure to me.

marriage is its own adjustment, and in that adjustment i’ve had to learn how to balance all the relationships in my life while keeping my most important relationship with my husband as the priority. there are times when i have been truly sad and longing for more time with my friends (especially in the first few months of marriage). now that nearly a year has passed, i find myself coming out of the newly-married caccoon and reaching out for more friendship connection. i long for connection with other young women—with my friends.

i often wonder how i can be a better friend, and short of bluntly asking my friends, i have spent time contemplating and wondering what it means to have an adult friendship as our lives get busier and busier. i don’t think things like facebook and twitter even remotely help build and maintain a friendship. sure, it’s good for keeping in touch with long-distance family but i often find i feel more negative feelings about facebook than positive ones. i don’t use it to keep in touch with friends and if anything i think it hinders our abilities to spend real time talking and spending time with our friends.  what does help friendships are the little things. friendship is not comprised of big moments, it’s those quick conversations, those secrets, the trust, the understanding. these little things are really the big things. this is how to be a better friend. it’s the quick notes to say hello, the quick “feel better!” note.

friendship is work, and needs focusing. we are going to need each other to understand our lives, to have a woman to talk to about jobs, having a husband, having a baby. i really love my friends, and as i contemplate these ways to be a better friend, i feel lucky to have such wonderful women in my life who are all good friends, and who really teach me about what it means to be a good friend in return.

little women.

think about the last time you talked to a little girl. what was the first thing you asked her or commented on? i’m willing to bet it was about her appearance in some way. why do we do this?

i recently read another blogger’s post about this topic and it really got me thinking. now, when i encounter a girl or woman i am sure to ask or comment about something substantial rather than saying “oh cute skirt!” or “you look so pretty!”

check out this post (and the rest of her blog):

how to talk to girls