halfway.

i am not one of those people who loves every second of being pregnant and sits around thinking, "isn't this the most beautiful thing ever?"

because, well, it sucks sometimes. i won't share about that because if you haven't been pregnant you should remain in ignorant bliss.

but halfway. wow. i never thought this would happen.

on one hand, this pregnancy has flown by (probably because i kept it to myself for so long), but on the other hand…is it over yet?

i just can't wait to meet this little being who kicks me all day long.

are you a boy or a girl?

will you have your dad's blue eyes? (i hope so)

will you be endlessly happy and calm, also like your dad? (i hope for this too. your dad is the best.)

i can't wait to find out.

baby.

it still makes me nervous to say it, but it's true. i am pregnant.

pregnant enough to see it. pregnant enough to have seen this little one twice already. i've heard its heartbeat. this little one has made me more exhausted than i thought humanly possible, and has given me my first experience with chronic heartburn. this little one has also made me cry at the drop of a hat. yes, i've cried over laundry, over being too tired, over having to make dinner, over feeling lonely--you name it, i've cried over it.

a few weeks ago we saw the baby again. what a sleepy baby. hand on their face, acting as though its terrible parents were keeping her/him from a great nap. finally, a wave. oh that wave. there was a moment in that ultrasound room where ben was so excited. and it's a moment i store in my heart and will treasure forever.

but i am still nervous. it's been such a long scary road, and i didn't know if this would happen.

i'm waiting for the day that i can feel little baby gymnastics because then i will know that she/he is alive and well and letting me know it.

dealing with infertility and loss is not a road i wish upon my worst enemy. it messes with your heart. it messes with your head. it messes with your body. it messes with your relationships. it's just a mess. i am so thankful that i have a fighter of a husband who went in the trenches with me as we navigated our way through this mess. what a mess it was. and that's the part that no one talks about. everyone assumes it's hard on the woman (and the man) going through it, but no one talks about the mess. and they should. because what no one warns you about is how isolating it feels as you're going through that mess.

but now, hope. a baby who waves at us. i can't wait to meet that baby. that baby who chose me to be their mommy.

being chosen.

recently i have had a change of thinking on this whole baby thing. ever since we started on this new road of loss, pain, sadness, hoping, testing and waiting in our baby journey, i've been trying to figure out what it will be like from here on out. what happens if my body can't carry a baby? am i meant to do something else? how will we get our baby?

but then, something changed. instead of thinking about it in a way that means that i'm getting my baby, i began to think about this beautiful baby choosing me.

our baby is "out there" somewhere. she's waiting (yes, i like to think/hope our baby is a girl) for us. she's waiting for the perfect moment to come into our lives and change us forever.

maybe she'll come by being carried by another woman who ben and i choose to carry her for us. maybe she'll be made and brought into this world by a different mama, but we will be hers.

she chooses us. someday, somehow a baby will choose me to be her mama and she will choose ben to be her dad.

this helps, this thinking. this reminds me that the gift of a baby is just that, a gift. i will be the luckiest woman in the world to be chosen to be someone's mama. it reminds me to be patient. it reminds me that life takes twists and turns, but out of the horrible parts (and there have been many of those), there are great gifts.

we're waiting, baby. whenever you're ready.