baby.

it still makes me nervous to say it, but it's true. i am pregnant.

pregnant enough to see it. pregnant enough to have seen this little one twice already. i've heard its heartbeat. this little one has made me more exhausted than i thought humanly possible, and has given me my first experience with chronic heartburn. this little one has also made me cry at the drop of a hat. yes, i've cried over laundry, over being too tired, over having to make dinner, over feeling lonely--you name it, i've cried over it.

a few weeks ago we saw the baby again. what a sleepy baby. hand on their face, acting as though its terrible parents were keeping her/him from a great nap. finally, a wave. oh that wave. there was a moment in that ultrasound room where ben was so excited. and it's a moment i store in my heart and will treasure forever.

but i am still nervous. it's been such a long scary road, and i didn't know if this would happen.

i'm waiting for the day that i can feel little baby gymnastics because then i will know that she/he is alive and well and letting me know it.

dealing with infertility and loss is not a road i wish upon my worst enemy. it messes with your heart. it messes with your head. it messes with your body. it messes with your relationships. it's just a mess. i am so thankful that i have a fighter of a husband who went in the trenches with me as we navigated our way through this mess. what a mess it was. and that's the part that no one talks about. everyone assumes it's hard on the woman (and the man) going through it, but no one talks about the mess. and they should. because what no one warns you about is how isolating it feels as you're going through that mess.

but now, hope. a baby who waves at us. i can't wait to meet that baby. that baby who chose me to be their mommy.