blog? is that you?

oh, hello.

i haven't been writing because i am finding it hard to fake something happy to write about.  no, i'm not depressed. life just isn't dripping with rainbows and unicorns right now.

i've been spending too much time thinking and figuring out where i go from here. what does life look like? what will life look like? what should life look like? what do i want life to look like?

will there be kids? am i really grieving, and if i am, where am i in that process? i don't think the grieving process is something where you move through all the steps in order. i think most days i've accepted it (the losses), other days i'm depressed, other days i'm in complete denial, and others i'm completely pissed off and i hate every pregnant person. and, if we're being honest here, there are (very few) days i'm relieved. i hate thinking that. i hate saying that. but i'm learning so much and that wouldn't have happened without this horrible thing happening to me (twice).

the only thing i wonder is when that is all over. will it just become something i'm not sad about anymore? is this what "real" grief is like? i say real because it's not like i ever met these babies. i think there's something extremely different between a baby you've had around for 5 weeks and a person you've had around for 5 years so i don't know if i consider this real grief (which i've never experienced). will it become something i just causally mention in 10 years? it seems weird to me now. maybe i'm just being dramatic.

* * * * * * * * * * 

i've started doing things (or not doing them) because i want to (or because i don't want to). mostly the not and the don't are what's happening.

if i don't want to write here, then who cares. i don't want this thing to be popular anyway. i'm shy, that's too much work.

i don't think i'm opening an etsy shop. why? because i don't want to spend the time telling people about it and plugging it. i tend to shy away from things that are popular or that lots of people are doing because i don't like being in the midst of a whirlwind or a party. opening an etsy shop is like a big party everyone is going to, and i don't want to go if too many people are going. i'm anti-social like that.

and again, i'm shy. i'd have to talk to strangers and tell them about this thing i'm doing and then there's too much pressure for it to be perfect, and i want it to be unique and not too trendy. then there's blogs and twitter, and ugh. it all sounds exhausting to me. am i lame? i think i'm lame. or i'm just not a saleswoman. i teach children. they don't require any selling to. persuasion to learn letters? yes. but i don't need to sell to them.

so, i'll make stuff for me. if you want to see it, i'll show you. maybe in the future i'll open an etsy shop and tell no one. i'll just see if people magically buy things.


that's all for now. i'm done whining. happy tuesday!

remembering loss.

be prepared.

this is about to get really heavy. and probably sad. if you don't like sad heavy blog posts, then please go back to doing what you were before you stumbled here. i'm guessing it was pinterest. go look at happy pictures of kitchens and things you want to diy because you'll find none of that here. but, if you don't mind one heavy & sad post, then stick around.

because really, i'm doing this for me (and it isn't easy). there are many things i will not share here on this blog (or even in this post). for every 1 detail i reveal about myself there are probably 1,000 things i keep a secret. i'm like this in person, too.

but this loss, this story is something i think belongs out here. maybe someone can stumble upon it and relate.

maybe they'll know someone who went through this pain and they can read this.

or, maybe i'm just sharing my heart and it's a release for me to write this here.

*****

in november 2011, i found out i was pregnant.

it was a happy moment. happy, but scary.

then, in december 2011 i watched in shock as my body failed me. the baby died.

the experience is physically, emotionally, and mentally very painful.

it's isolating.

i have a husband who was of course saddened by this, but his body wasn't holding anything. his body didn't experience the death.

mine did.

for weeks i was on a ridiculous emotional roller coaster.

some days i would cry on and off for hours. some days, i would be fine.

sometimes someone would say something completely innocent that would remind me of my loss and i would feel it again.

sometimes people said things like "well, it won't happen again." or "maybe it wasn't meant to be" or "you'll be fine" innocent sayings that were like a knife to my heart.

innocent sayings by people who didn't know, who would say things like "well when you start having kids…" ouch. pain. reminders.

it's january 2012.

sometimes, i feel sad still. mostly, i have this awareness of life and fragility and control that i didn't have before. i appreciate the process of becoming a mother. my baby may have died, but i was a mother. am a mother. i am different.

the next time, i will feel immediate apprehension. i already do, and it isn't the next time yet. i'm already too scared to get excited at even the possibility again someday.

this could happen again.

maybe it won't. but it could.

but for now, i'm okay. i remember, but i look forward. i am aware, i am sensitive, i am learning.