blog? is that you?

oh, hello.

i haven't been writing because i am finding it hard to fake something happy to write about.  no, i'm not depressed. life just isn't dripping with rainbows and unicorns right now.

i've been spending too much time thinking and figuring out where i go from here. what does life look like? what will life look like? what should life look like? what do i want life to look like?

will there be kids? am i really grieving, and if i am, where am i in that process? i don't think the grieving process is something where you move through all the steps in order. i think most days i've accepted it (the losses), other days i'm depressed, other days i'm in complete denial, and others i'm completely pissed off and i hate every pregnant person. and, if we're being honest here, there are (very few) days i'm relieved. i hate thinking that. i hate saying that. but i'm learning so much and that wouldn't have happened without this horrible thing happening to me (twice).

the only thing i wonder is when that is all over. will it just become something i'm not sad about anymore? is this what "real" grief is like? i say real because it's not like i ever met these babies. i think there's something extremely different between a baby you've had around for 5 weeks and a person you've had around for 5 years so i don't know if i consider this real grief (which i've never experienced). will it become something i just causally mention in 10 years? it seems weird to me now. maybe i'm just being dramatic.

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i've started doing things (or not doing them) because i want to (or because i don't want to). mostly the not and the don't are what's happening.

if i don't want to write here, then who cares. i don't want this thing to be popular anyway. i'm shy, that's too much work.

i don't think i'm opening an etsy shop. why? because i don't want to spend the time telling people about it and plugging it. i tend to shy away from things that are popular or that lots of people are doing because i don't like being in the midst of a whirlwind or a party. opening an etsy shop is like a big party everyone is going to, and i don't want to go if too many people are going. i'm anti-social like that.

and again, i'm shy. i'd have to talk to strangers and tell them about this thing i'm doing and then there's too much pressure for it to be perfect, and i want it to be unique and not too trendy. then there's blogs and twitter, and ugh. it all sounds exhausting to me. am i lame? i think i'm lame. or i'm just not a saleswoman. i teach children. they don't require any selling to. persuasion to learn letters? yes. but i don't need to sell to them.

so, i'll make stuff for me. if you want to see it, i'll show you. maybe in the future i'll open an etsy shop and tell no one. i'll just see if people magically buy things.


that's all for now. i'm done whining. happy tuesday!

change.

i never really talked about my word of the year in depth. i mentioned how there will be a lot of change this year, but i didn't talk about why i picked that word or about the change that i want to create.

life isn't just about the change that happens to us, it's about the change that we create.

i will create change this year.

i will use change this year.

i will accept change this year.

there are many things that will involve change that i will have no control over. those are the things i will have to accept. and more than just accept the change, i have to use it. it's one thing to say "okay, things are changing, i need to be okay with it. i am okay with it." it's another thing to say "what am i going to do with this change?"

there are also many things that i can change. things i want to change. things i should change. i need the motivation and courage to change these things.

i want to change the way i eat. honestly, i am a very healthy person. i easily turn down junk food or anything that isn't good for you. and by good for you i mean beneficial to your body. in my mind, there's food that is outright damaging to your body, there's food that does nothing for you, then there's food that is good for you. i don't eat meat mostly because i don't like it and it makes me sick, but also for other economical/ethical/political/social reasons. but my weakness is dessert. i love a good cookie and given the chance i'd have one every night. isn't dessert supposed to be a treat? i need to not buy or make cookies. i need to find something small and organic and healthy to indulge in treats every now and then.

i need to change many other things that might get boring if i list them all out on the blog.

but the point is, that change doesn't just happen, change is created. i will make, accept and use change this year. i'm ready.

not a typical friday night.

(here)

we finally did it. well, sort of.

my goal for a night unplugged finally happened, and rather organically.

i've been talking about how i want to get rid of cable if something doesn't change. having a husband who only wants to watch tv for fun officially wore me out on friday and i asked if we could go out for dinner and spend time without the tv on.

this was easy for me, hard for him. he kept rushing me through things. we were talking and he said "when are we playing scrabble?" he even asked if we could watch a movie afterwards. i love this man, but this need to always have a tv on is driving me crazy!

after hours of talking, silliness and 2 games of scrabble (1 regular and 1 speed round) i gave in and let him pick a movie.

this little experiment on friday really showed me that my husband needs to find other things to do besides stare at the television and i need to find ways to help him do that. it's easy for me, but hard for him (which is okay).

i'm determined to keep this experiment going. there is no more tv on unless there is something specific that wants to be watched. i know it probably seems like i harp on this on my blog but it's a real struggle around here, and i'm being honest.

i don't think we need a specific day where we aren't allowed to use the tv, laptops or phones, but some time every now and then is probably good for our brains and our relationship.

consider this my last post about the stupid television. more to come about simple and clean living, crafts and holidays!

simple.

i've been feeling really inspired to simplify our life over here. if i were to take pictures of what our apartment looks like right now i'd be too embarrassed to show you!

i feel like we have too much stuff, and we have even more stuff being stored at ben's parents' house.  i want to live with less, want less, need less, and buy less. it's so hard living in a world of "more" when really i just want a simple life with as few items as possible.

tomorrow the kids have a snow day (the kids i teach) so i'll be spending my day deciding what needs to go and what needs to stay. this goes for literal items as well as parts of our daily life. just as some clothes, books, and other random items will be donated, so too will activities in our lives that are not doing their part to create a happy and healthy home.

our food needs to be simplified, too. i've been lazy about cooking and my body knows it. i need good, real food from scratch that i can feel happy about when it's on my plate. sometimes i'm so tired i cannot imagine cooking, but when i do i feel so relieved that i'm eating good organic food that i cooked myself. i can't wait to have a house someday with a garden of fresh veggies. for now, i have to buy as fresh as i can (which is so hard in a new england fall/winter) and cook as real as possible.

the stupid box.

friends, how much tv do you watch? do you feel like it’s too much? we don’t really watch that much tv (maybe 1 or 2 hours a night), but i noticed that slowly our time in front of the tv is increasing, and my satisfaction with my day is decreasing. i hate feeling like a blob on the couch that has done nothing useful that day.

i have tried persuading ben that we don’t need cable, that we’d be fine without it. i have lost that battle as hard as i have tried, but that doesn’t mean changes can’t be made.  i’ve suggested focused tv-watching. this means that we’ve picked out one thing to watch (or ben has picked something because generally it’s him watching and me half paying attention half on pinterest) and that’s it. we know what show we’re picking and when it’s over we’re done. no scrolling through to find something, we watch and we power off. i know i could simply cut cable and say “oh well, it’s gone!” but i want a happy husband and that means a compromise.

i've also thought of having a day where we're "unplugged". no computers, no tv, nothing. i think it would be really eye-opening for us, and provide a motivation to spend less time with the tv or our laptops. 

so, i’ve been trying to make more of an effort to have less tv time in order to have more productive time together with my husband, as well as apart from him so that i can paint, sew, draw, write, create. by sitting on my couch i’m missing so much of what life has to offer. there is so much going on especially in the summer, why sit inside or at least on the couch? we could be doing so much more. i want to learn new games, new crafts, and make our apartment feel more like home.  we’ll both be happier with more time to read, talk, listen, learn, and see.

consider this my reminder to myself to turn off the tv like my ballet teacher always said to. she hated tv and always called it the stupid-box or something like that. i need to remember her disdain for tv and use it as a reminder to do something more productive.

it's monday.

It has been a little crazy over here for us. We've just moved to a new apartment (and already started looking for our next one...we're crazy), I am in between jobs, Ben's work schedule has just changed, and one of my best friends is getting married on Saturday.

Life is changing at a rapid pace.

It's amazing I can keep up with myself, let alone any of my friends or family.


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Today has already started to be "one of those days". I woke up way earlier than I wanted to. When I went in the kitchen to put some dishes away, I broke a glass. The glass got all over the floor and counter, and cut my pinky in the process. Then when I was sweeping I kneeled in more glass. After using the vacuum I realized I have literally no place to store it. Then I went to get a bowl for breakfast and broke that too, cutting my finger again. I swear I didn't cry...

The day will get better though. I have too much to do for it not to be a good day. I have an interview to prepare for, things to put away, and yoga to practice (I'm getting better).

Hopefully I won't break any more dishes.


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I have many things to share about what I've been up to in the last 10 days. I have been creating and feel the spark to keep doing so. I will start putting more pictures on here to make the blog a little more interesting and to show what I create and where we go.

Happy Monday.