dog days of summer.

it's august.

the month when i think to myself "wait, where did summer go?"

hold on summer, stick around a little longer!

there's so much i want to do!

but, here we are. summer is ending. 

i feel the pressure even more because my summer session at work is in its final week. 

then just 2 weeks off. 

then it's back to the normal routine. 

whoa.

i guess i should give a little summer update, right?

i mean little. 

i can't possibly talk all about my entire summer in this post. 

first, no one cares. 

second, it would be too long. 

let's just say it was full of hot days, projects, good food and baby smiles. 

oh baby smiles, how you melt my heart.

  

blueberry picking with special girls. they made this summer so sweet, and filled a hole in my heart. 

nieces are a precious gift. so is a kind sister-in-law i am so lucky to have.

farm fresh ice cream. farm fresh fruits and veggies bought in the town i love.

sweet snuggles from the sweetest girl. i miss her.

most of my precious family. how i miss the days when we all lived so close. 

new ink. i want more.

still to come: a much needed week of relaxing with my love. 

i can't wait.

i want to post here more, too. 

more about life. 

more about health. 

i'll try.

remembering loss.

be prepared.

this is about to get really heavy. and probably sad. if you don't like sad heavy blog posts, then please go back to doing what you were before you stumbled here. i'm guessing it was pinterest. go look at happy pictures of kitchens and things you want to diy because you'll find none of that here. but, if you don't mind one heavy & sad post, then stick around.

because really, i'm doing this for me (and it isn't easy). there are many things i will not share here on this blog (or even in this post). for every 1 detail i reveal about myself there are probably 1,000 things i keep a secret. i'm like this in person, too.

but this loss, this story is something i think belongs out here. maybe someone can stumble upon it and relate.

maybe they'll know someone who went through this pain and they can read this.

or, maybe i'm just sharing my heart and it's a release for me to write this here.

*****

in november 2011, i found out i was pregnant.

it was a happy moment. happy, but scary.

then, in december 2011 i watched in shock as my body failed me. the baby died.

the experience is physically, emotionally, and mentally very painful.

it's isolating.

i have a husband who was of course saddened by this, but his body wasn't holding anything. his body didn't experience the death.

mine did.

for weeks i was on a ridiculous emotional roller coaster.

some days i would cry on and off for hours. some days, i would be fine.

sometimes someone would say something completely innocent that would remind me of my loss and i would feel it again.

sometimes people said things like "well, it won't happen again." or "maybe it wasn't meant to be" or "you'll be fine" innocent sayings that were like a knife to my heart.

innocent sayings by people who didn't know, who would say things like "well when you start having kids…" ouch. pain. reminders.

it's january 2012.

sometimes, i feel sad still. mostly, i have this awareness of life and fragility and control that i didn't have before. i appreciate the process of becoming a mother. my baby may have died, but i was a mother. am a mother. i am different.

the next time, i will feel immediate apprehension. i already do, and it isn't the next time yet. i'm already too scared to get excited at even the possibility again someday.

this could happen again.

maybe it won't. but it could.

but for now, i'm okay. i remember, but i look forward. i am aware, i am sensitive, i am learning.

change.

i never really talked about my word of the year in depth. i mentioned how there will be a lot of change this year, but i didn't talk about why i picked that word or about the change that i want to create.

life isn't just about the change that happens to us, it's about the change that we create.

i will create change this year.

i will use change this year.

i will accept change this year.

there are many things that will involve change that i will have no control over. those are the things i will have to accept. and more than just accept the change, i have to use it. it's one thing to say "okay, things are changing, i need to be okay with it. i am okay with it." it's another thing to say "what am i going to do with this change?"

there are also many things that i can change. things i want to change. things i should change. i need the motivation and courage to change these things.

i want to change the way i eat. honestly, i am a very healthy person. i easily turn down junk food or anything that isn't good for you. and by good for you i mean beneficial to your body. in my mind, there's food that is outright damaging to your body, there's food that does nothing for you, then there's food that is good for you. i don't eat meat mostly because i don't like it and it makes me sick, but also for other economical/ethical/political/social reasons. but my weakness is dessert. i love a good cookie and given the chance i'd have one every night. isn't dessert supposed to be a treat? i need to not buy or make cookies. i need to find something small and organic and healthy to indulge in treats every now and then.

i need to change many other things that might get boring if i list them all out on the blog.

but the point is, that change doesn't just happen, change is created. i will make, accept and use change this year. i'm ready.

named.

the etsy shop has a name.

the etsy shop has a twitter.

the etsy shop has a pinterest.

the etsy shop name is named after my blog but does not have the same name as my blog. i'm sticking with a theme of figuring out life and finding my wings so to speak.

this blog is about my life. my life with my husband. my life as a woman. my life as someone who creates. someday i hope to mention a kid on this blog once and awhile (this will not be a baby blog).

i am so excited about this and i cannot wait to share everything here with you.

for now, follow me on pinterest and on twitter to get the latest updates for everything. i will be posting when the shop opens and when i have a sale, but that's about it for the shop promoting on this blog. there will be links on the sidebar so it will be linked to this blog.

this is a huge deal for me. i'm so excited to share this here and hopefully grow my audience.

happy weekend!! i'll hopefully be back to a regular blogging schedule next week. 2012 has the potential to be great.

2012.

happy new year!

ben and i stayed home, ate chinese food & watched lost. at 1145 we turned on that silly nye show to watch the ball drop and promptly fell asleep. i thought it was fun! i'm not a big nye person.

tomorrow i'll be back with goals for this blog and for my life in 2012, and some thoughts about making goals. i started this blog talking about goals and i would like to talk about how different things are now!

i think 2012 is going to be an exciting and eventful year.