sailing the friend-ship

lately i’ve really been thinking a lot about what it means to be a friend. i don’t just mean someone you talk to every now and then who might know something about you, but a real true friend. the older i get, the more i realize how important these relationships are—the friendships i have.

being married means that i’m always around my very best friend. but being married also means that my other closest friends need to become a more focused priority for me. in highschool, that’s what it was all about—having friends and having fun. in college i learned that having adult friends is different, and can be something lifelong. i learned how to live with someone else, and how to keep up friendships when our lives are going in different directions.

now i find myself in that adult part of life when everyone has jobs, spouses (or significant others), and maybe even children. suddenly it’s not so easy to just go out for coffee, or go shopping. if i talk to my very closest childhood friend more than a few times a month i feel lucky. spending precious time with this friend one time during a month is a real treasure to me.

marriage is its own adjustment, and in that adjustment i’ve had to learn how to balance all the relationships in my life while keeping my most important relationship with my husband as the priority. there are times when i have been truly sad and longing for more time with my friends (especially in the first few months of marriage). now that nearly a year has passed, i find myself coming out of the newly-married caccoon and reaching out for more friendship connection. i long for connection with other young women—with my friends.

i often wonder how i can be a better friend, and short of bluntly asking my friends, i have spent time contemplating and wondering what it means to have an adult friendship as our lives get busier and busier. i don’t think things like facebook and twitter even remotely help build and maintain a friendship. sure, it’s good for keeping in touch with long-distance family but i often find i feel more negative feelings about facebook than positive ones. i don’t use it to keep in touch with friends and if anything i think it hinders our abilities to spend real time talking and spending time with our friends.  what does help friendships are the little things. friendship is not comprised of big moments, it’s those quick conversations, those secrets, the trust, the understanding. these little things are really the big things. this is how to be a better friend. it’s the quick notes to say hello, the quick “feel better!” note.

friendship is work, and needs focusing. we are going to need each other to understand our lives, to have a woman to talk to about jobs, having a husband, having a baby. i really love my friends, and as i contemplate these ways to be a better friend, i feel lucky to have such wonderful women in my life who are all good friends, and who really teach me about what it means to be a good friend in return.