i've tried 2 times to have a baby.
2 times i've witnessed my body fail me as i lost the baby.
2 times i was sad (the second time was worse).
but now, i'm motivated. i'm sure this seems odd, so let me explain.
when you're trying to have a baby, there's things you just don't do. there are plans you put off because you're pregnant and well, your life is about kids now.
then, you lose a baby and your life is about you again. i think there are things i've been waiting to do, or just not doing because i knew that a baby would be in my future and i was already reshaping my life for that baby.
well, 2 times later, i don't have a baby. so i've been drinking, eating horrible food (rarely), not taking vitamins, jumping around, working out, lifting heavy things and making plans.
i'm not revolving my life around this anymore. if i can't have kids, i'll get a dog.
if i have the one child i want, then my dreams will have come true and it will be the best thing.
but for now i'm going to drink margaritas, go on trips, buy things for myself, and go out more.
sometimes i feel selfish and shallow. and maybe this is just really a part of grief and i'm in denial.
so what.
if buying clothes and planning beach trips makes me happy right now, so be it. i can't feel sorry for myself and i can't spend all my time angry or sad. i need to live my life.
no, i'm not going to stop trying to have a baby.
but i'm not going to stop trying to be better either. someday, i'll think i'll be thankful for this. right now, it still sucks. and my longing for a child has not changed. i get sad, extremely jealous, angry, and fearful.
but just like everything else in my life, i have to stay positive. hopefully it helps.
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