blog? is that you?

oh, hello.

i haven't been writing because i am finding it hard to fake something happy to write about.  no, i'm not depressed. life just isn't dripping with rainbows and unicorns right now.

i've been spending too much time thinking and figuring out where i go from here. what does life look like? what will life look like? what should life look like? what do i want life to look like?

will there be kids? am i really grieving, and if i am, where am i in that process? i don't think the grieving process is something where you move through all the steps in order. i think most days i've accepted it (the losses), other days i'm depressed, other days i'm in complete denial, and others i'm completely pissed off and i hate every pregnant person. and, if we're being honest here, there are (very few) days i'm relieved. i hate thinking that. i hate saying that. but i'm learning so much and that wouldn't have happened without this horrible thing happening to me (twice).

the only thing i wonder is when that is all over. will it just become something i'm not sad about anymore? is this what "real" grief is like? i say real because it's not like i ever met these babies. i think there's something extremely different between a baby you've had around for 5 weeks and a person you've had around for 5 years so i don't know if i consider this real grief (which i've never experienced). will it become something i just causally mention in 10 years? it seems weird to me now. maybe i'm just being dramatic.

* * * * * * * * * * 

i've started doing things (or not doing them) because i want to (or because i don't want to). mostly the not and the don't are what's happening.

if i don't want to write here, then who cares. i don't want this thing to be popular anyway. i'm shy, that's too much work.

i don't think i'm opening an etsy shop. why? because i don't want to spend the time telling people about it and plugging it. i tend to shy away from things that are popular or that lots of people are doing because i don't like being in the midst of a whirlwind or a party. opening an etsy shop is like a big party everyone is going to, and i don't want to go if too many people are going. i'm anti-social like that.

and again, i'm shy. i'd have to talk to strangers and tell them about this thing i'm doing and then there's too much pressure for it to be perfect, and i want it to be unique and not too trendy. then there's blogs and twitter, and ugh. it all sounds exhausting to me. am i lame? i think i'm lame. or i'm just not a saleswoman. i teach children. they don't require any selling to. persuasion to learn letters? yes. but i don't need to sell to them.

so, i'll make stuff for me. if you want to see it, i'll show you. maybe in the future i'll open an etsy shop and tell no one. i'll just see if people magically buy things.


that's all for now. i'm done whining. happy tuesday!

how not having a baby has motivated me.

i've tried 2 times to have a baby.

2 times i've witnessed my body fail me as i lost the baby.

2 times i was sad (the second time was worse).

but now, i'm motivated. i'm sure this seems odd, so let me explain.

when you're trying to have a baby, there's things you just don't do. there are plans you put off because you're pregnant and well, your life is about kids now.

then, you lose a baby and your life is about you again. i think there are things i've been waiting to do, or just not doing because i knew that a baby would be in my future and i was already reshaping my life for that baby.

well, 2 times later, i don't have a baby. so i've been drinking, eating horrible food (rarely), not taking vitamins, jumping around, working out, lifting heavy things and making plans.

i'm not revolving my life around this anymore. if i can't have kids, i'll get a dog.

if i have the one child i want, then my dreams will have come true and it will be the best thing.

but for now i'm going to drink margaritas, go on trips, buy things for myself, and go out more.

sometimes i feel selfish and shallow. and maybe this is just really a part of grief and i'm in denial.

so what.

if buying clothes and planning beach trips makes me happy right now, so be it. i can't feel sorry for myself and i can't spend all my time angry or sad. i need to live my life.

no, i'm not going to stop trying to have a baby.

but i'm not going to stop trying to be better either. someday, i'll think i'll be thankful for this. right now, it still sucks. and my longing for a child has not changed. i get sad, extremely jealous, angry, and fearful.

but just like everything else in my life, i have to stay positive. hopefully it helps.

ramblings.

it's friday and i'm rambling because it's all i have left. if you want a better post you're on the wrong blog today!

i love our new home. i know we'll be here for several years (as many years as we can be) and i love that feeling.

the moment we moved in it felt like home. granted, we have no furniture and we have a lot to do but i already feel like this is my home. it's not just a place i'm renting. it's cozy and lived in.

i've been so busy recovering from a personal loss and from all that comes with packing up all of our belongings and moving them somewhere else that i haven't had time to write out any of my thoughts.

i haven't had time to even think about taking pictures. i want to, but i just haven't. i think it's a good practice for me so i'm going to keep trying but i'm not going to hold myself to something.

i've been too busy figuring out where we're going to buy a couch from.

i've been wondering when we'll get a kitchen table so i can stop eating dinner from the couch.

i've been wondering if i'll ever have a baby.

i've been wondering why it's been so difficult for me so far in this baby journey.

i'd like one life event to go off without a hitch.

i'm thinking i need to stop having a pity party for myself and get a grip. maybe i will have a baby, or maybe i'll just have a dog. i need to start thinking about the reality of the situation and stop being so whiny. it's time to start thinking of what the future could look like. (it's not like i've given up hope, people. but i'm a realist.)

i'm thinking that i have no excuse not to put my creative energy to work. i need to start doing some stuff now that i have a lovely home and space to work!

more thoughts to come and maybe even a picture or two if i'm feeling generous.

insert day 3 photo here.

i'm not doing a photo today. it's not a good day. at all. i'm taking a break from writing down my thoughts.

tomorrow maybe i'll be in the mood to post. we're finally moving!

words. {day 2.}

{words: starbucks.}

i know it's only one word, but this word helped me get through my day. 

sometimes work gets a little too stressful and i just need to leave the building. so, at lunch time i go down the street and get a starbucks drink. for about fifteen minutes i forget i'm even at work. 

i got a soy hot chocolate, in case anyone cares :)

my view.

in february i'm going to try to do this trendy photo-a-day thing. we'll see how good i am at remembering. 

{my view: packing to move.}

we move in 3 days! i have so much to do and this is a very small portion of my living room that is being taken over by boxes. i can't wait to be done with this and in our new place!