changing tides.

september is the beginning of a lot of change for me. 

i'm not quite ready to divulge into details. 

new adventures. new people, new places. 

i'm excited. 

leaving behind the old is scary. but moving aside will help in the end.  

(i don't want to say ahead because i'm not quite sure it's a step forward)

i am honestly waiting for the first half of october to go away. 

for those painful days to pass me by. i think i'll be able to let out a sigh of relief when it's over. 

onto the next year. (even though this one isn't technically over)

i've been trying to remain centered. 

in all my hurt and grief and processing and changing and distracting

 i've found myself caught up in my own head.

 in my own heart. in all the emotions. 

it's not easy, all of this. 

i'm kind of a hippie and bought this bracelet to help me. 

people who are really into yoga and meditation wear these or the necklaces. 

i found one that speaks to my heart.

it's meaning struck a chord. 

it's not magic. but it helps. 

as i touch each bead, i'm reminded to stay focused on what's important. 

i feel centered. 

i take a step back and re-evaluate.

it took over a year, but i've found ways to feel peace. 

i've gotten excited again.

it feels good. 

**this is how i feel when i hold a baby. wherever you are baby, you have no idea how much love awaits you. 

***i know how i blog now probably seems odd. but it's the only way to get the thoughts out, and i like it.

dog days of summer.

it's august.

the month when i think to myself "wait, where did summer go?"

hold on summer, stick around a little longer!

there's so much i want to do!

but, here we are. summer is ending. 

i feel the pressure even more because my summer session at work is in its final week. 

then just 2 weeks off. 

then it's back to the normal routine. 

whoa.

i guess i should give a little summer update, right?

i mean little. 

i can't possibly talk all about my entire summer in this post. 

first, no one cares. 

second, it would be too long. 

let's just say it was full of hot days, projects, good food and baby smiles. 

oh baby smiles, how you melt my heart.

  

blueberry picking with special girls. they made this summer so sweet, and filled a hole in my heart. 

nieces are a precious gift. so is a kind sister-in-law i am so lucky to have.

farm fresh ice cream. farm fresh fruits and veggies bought in the town i love.

sweet snuggles from the sweetest girl. i miss her.

most of my precious family. how i miss the days when we all lived so close. 

new ink. i want more.

still to come: a much needed week of relaxing with my love. 

i can't wait.

i want to post here more, too. 

more about life. 

more about health. 

i'll try.

him.

i'm alone a lot. probably more than i have the treasured company of my husband.

he works a lot. sometimes, he comes home when i'm brushing my teeth to go to bed. i sleepily smile at him and say hello while i wash my face. i try so hard to stay awake to talk to him, and most of the time i'm successful.

i have a lot of time to clean our house, to pin silly pictures and to think. i spend so much time just simply thinking. so much time that i am completely baffled when he tells me that there's a lot of times where he's thinking "nothing". how does someone think nothing? but i appreciate that. i appreciate the ability to have a calm mind and just be.

in this thinking, i think about us. i think about him. i think about what he sees. how he feels. how lucky i am.

sometimes i wish i could see what he sees, and feel what he feels. to go back in time and relive all of our moments and see if i've missed anything. missed a look, a smile, the way he's so calm and happy. i would happily relive all of our good and our bad times, because in the end it means that even though it's 11pm on a wednesday and i'm climbing into bed and he's just coming home, at least he's home. and i'm his.

being chosen.

recently i have had a change of thinking on this whole baby thing. ever since we started on this new road of loss, pain, sadness, hoping, testing and waiting in our baby journey, i've been trying to figure out what it will be like from here on out. what happens if my body can't carry a baby? am i meant to do something else? how will we get our baby?

but then, something changed. instead of thinking about it in a way that means that i'm getting my baby, i began to think about this beautiful baby choosing me.

our baby is "out there" somewhere. she's waiting (yes, i like to think/hope our baby is a girl) for us. she's waiting for the perfect moment to come into our lives and change us forever.

maybe she'll come by being carried by another woman who ben and i choose to carry her for us. maybe she'll be made and brought into this world by a different mama, but we will be hers.

she chooses us. someday, somehow a baby will choose me to be her mama and she will choose ben to be her dad.

this helps, this thinking. this reminds me that the gift of a baby is just that, a gift. i will be the luckiest woman in the world to be chosen to be someone's mama. it reminds me to be patient. it reminds me that life takes twists and turns, but out of the horrible parts (and there have been many of those), there are great gifts.

we're waiting, baby. whenever you're ready.