being chosen.

recently i have had a change of thinking on this whole baby thing. ever since we started on this new road of loss, pain, sadness, hoping, testing and waiting in our baby journey, i've been trying to figure out what it will be like from here on out. what happens if my body can't carry a baby? am i meant to do something else? how will we get our baby?

but then, something changed. instead of thinking about it in a way that means that i'm getting my baby, i began to think about this beautiful baby choosing me.

our baby is "out there" somewhere. she's waiting (yes, i like to think/hope our baby is a girl) for us. she's waiting for the perfect moment to come into our lives and change us forever.

maybe she'll come by being carried by another woman who ben and i choose to carry her for us. maybe she'll be made and brought into this world by a different mama, but we will be hers.

she chooses us. someday, somehow a baby will choose me to be her mama and she will choose ben to be her dad.

this helps, this thinking. this reminds me that the gift of a baby is just that, a gift. i will be the luckiest woman in the world to be chosen to be someone's mama. it reminds me to be patient. it reminds me that life takes twists and turns, but out of the horrible parts (and there have been many of those), there are great gifts.

we're waiting, baby. whenever you're ready.

labeled.

let's talk about labels.

no, not the kinds you stick on baskets and bins to keep yourself organized. the kind that people like to assign to other people so they can fit them in some little box (yes, it's about to get real "hippie" up in here).

i hate them. i fight against them. do not label me. i call myself a hippie sometimes because of this, but even then something inside me is twitching.

i will never register with any political party and have no desire to.

i don't identify with any one religion/belief system and have no desire to.

i am moderately feminist. but i don't even think feminism should be a term and i would cringe at the thought of being called one.

i'm a vegetarian. but someday i might not be. and i don't like how that translates to "picky eater" for most people. i just say "i don't like meat."

see a trend here? luckily i have a husband who loves this about me, and while he may laugh sometimes and not really understand why i'm so label-aversive at least he appreciates it. he is not so opposed to labels, by the way. which i can appreciate and even understand. it might make life easier for some people.

but me? none.

i am a person. a woman. a wife. a friend. a sister. (and okay, maybe a hippie) label me that way. but do not confine me to anything else.

i will say that i don't care if other people label themselves as anything, align them to certain groups/religions etc. I'm all about whatever makes you happy and doesn't hurt anyone.

linked.

i read these 9 insights this weekend and it really struck me. some things i had already heard, one thing i didn't agree with at all (i don't know where i stand on the last point about suffering, i have to think about it more), and the rest are things that got me thinking.

i know the website the link is from might be a little odd to some, but i kind of liked reading some other things on it. i am a thinker. not compulsively like that 9 insights says. but truly, i am always aware of what i am doing, how i am acting and thinking about how this may be perceived, why i'm doing it, etc (this does not mean i always make the best choices). i am always thinking. it's a blessing and a curse. sometimes ben will exclaim "who thinks about that?!" me. i think about "that" ("that" referring to many different topics that at times i discuss).

i know it's only monday, but maybe it will kick the week off right!

happenings.

here's what's going on around here:

-i'm currently pissed off that f*ing snooki is having a baby but i have to get tests because i can't. yes, i'm whining about a stupid "famous" person. don't judge me.

-i got a card in the mail today. it was a "just because" card. i cried. i think it might be the nicest thing that has happened to me this year. people don't send mail anymore. especially people who only live up the street. i am so blown away by this act of kindness and so thankful. it just goes to show what a few minutes writing a card and mailing it can do for someone going through something tough.

-speaking of crying, i've become this overly-sensitive emotional disaster. is this what my life has become? i cry at random moments. sometimes in public. sometimes when ben is asleep and i'm still awake and i feel like an idiot. i need to get over myself.

-it was 60 degrees today. it made my heart happy. i hate winter. snow, you can melt anytime now.

-we finally bought a table to eat at. but it's too tall. so, i'm forcing ben to cut down the legs to make it the right height. no, i'm not really forcing ben but he will do it. because he knows that happy wife=happy life and his wife isn't happy with a table that's too tall.

-2 kids [students] went home today with the stomach bug. 1 kid was crying and gagging and we thought he would go home. 2 kids were out already because of the stomach bug. super. thanks, kids.

-i can't do these photoaday things. i don't like being confined to rules. i do what i want. i'll take a picture when i feel like it. take that, you photoaday trend. i've thought about just picking and choosing which photo days i like and taking the pictures for them when i feel like it. you know, for inspiration. but doing it my own way. because that's how i do things.

-i should do a blog post all about how i don't like rules or being told what to think/what i should do, etc. i think it's [part of] why i don't like [any] religion, why i'm a feminist [but i don't like being labeled], and why i had some problems with college. i like learning, but i hate lectures & having to go to classes that have boring lectures that regurgitate what i just read--i'll have you know i did well in college though, i'm intelligent but i wanted to do things my own way. maybe i'm really just a hippie.

that gene some people have.

you know how some people just don't want kids?

well, i just don't want a house. am i missing some important gene?

honestly, i dream of living in an old apartment forever. i don't even care if i own it. i think we'll only own a house because ben has this idea that it's important. and, well, a brownstone in boston is a little out of our price range right now. but maybe someday it won't be.

{isn't it just beautiful? who needs a house?}

{have you seen keri russell's brownstone? to die for}

not to mention, there is only one style of house i would settle for and that's a craftsman bungalow. but, i'm picky about how it would need to look and what it would need to be like. and well, we'd have to build because this is new england and everyone has a colonial. it all sounds exhausting. 

just give me my apartment in downtown boston. i'd be a happy girl. 

let's try this again.

{march 1: UP}

this photo didn't capture the snowflakes falling like i would have liked, but i tried several times and couldn't make it work. iphones don't have the best cameras in the world. i took this photo standing on my deck, so that's not my house. 

hopefully i'll be better this time around with taking pictures, and maybe march will be better to me than february was.