halfway.

i am not one of those people who loves every second of being pregnant and sits around thinking, "isn't this the most beautiful thing ever?"

because, well, it sucks sometimes. i won't share about that because if you haven't been pregnant you should remain in ignorant bliss.

but halfway. wow. i never thought this would happen.

on one hand, this pregnancy has flown by (probably because i kept it to myself for so long), but on the other hand…is it over yet?

i just can't wait to meet this little being who kicks me all day long.

are you a boy or a girl?

will you have your dad's blue eyes? (i hope so)

will you be endlessly happy and calm, also like your dad? (i hope for this too. your dad is the best.)

i can't wait to find out.

baby.

it still makes me nervous to say it, but it's true. i am pregnant.

pregnant enough to see it. pregnant enough to have seen this little one twice already. i've heard its heartbeat. this little one has made me more exhausted than i thought humanly possible, and has given me my first experience with chronic heartburn. this little one has also made me cry at the drop of a hat. yes, i've cried over laundry, over being too tired, over having to make dinner, over feeling lonely--you name it, i've cried over it.

a few weeks ago we saw the baby again. what a sleepy baby. hand on their face, acting as though its terrible parents were keeping her/him from a great nap. finally, a wave. oh that wave. there was a moment in that ultrasound room where ben was so excited. and it's a moment i store in my heart and will treasure forever.

but i am still nervous. it's been such a long scary road, and i didn't know if this would happen.

i'm waiting for the day that i can feel little baby gymnastics because then i will know that she/he is alive and well and letting me know it.

dealing with infertility and loss is not a road i wish upon my worst enemy. it messes with your heart. it messes with your head. it messes with your body. it messes with your relationships. it's just a mess. i am so thankful that i have a fighter of a husband who went in the trenches with me as we navigated our way through this mess. what a mess it was. and that's the part that no one talks about. everyone assumes it's hard on the woman (and the man) going through it, but no one talks about the mess. and they should. because what no one warns you about is how isolating it feels as you're going through that mess.

but now, hope. a baby who waves at us. i can't wait to meet that baby. that baby who chose me to be their mommy.

changing tides.

september is the beginning of a lot of change for me. 

i'm not quite ready to divulge into details. 

new adventures. new people, new places. 

i'm excited. 

leaving behind the old is scary. but moving aside will help in the end.  

(i don't want to say ahead because i'm not quite sure it's a step forward)

i am honestly waiting for the first half of october to go away. 

for those painful days to pass me by. i think i'll be able to let out a sigh of relief when it's over. 

onto the next year. (even though this one isn't technically over)

i've been trying to remain centered. 

in all my hurt and grief and processing and changing and distracting

 i've found myself caught up in my own head.

 in my own heart. in all the emotions. 

it's not easy, all of this. 

i'm kind of a hippie and bought this bracelet to help me. 

people who are really into yoga and meditation wear these or the necklaces. 

i found one that speaks to my heart.

it's meaning struck a chord. 

it's not magic. but it helps. 

as i touch each bead, i'm reminded to stay focused on what's important. 

i feel centered. 

i take a step back and re-evaluate.

it took over a year, but i've found ways to feel peace. 

i've gotten excited again.

it feels good. 

**this is how i feel when i hold a baby. wherever you are baby, you have no idea how much love awaits you. 

***i know how i blog now probably seems odd. but it's the only way to get the thoughts out, and i like it.

dog days of summer.

it's august.

the month when i think to myself "wait, where did summer go?"

hold on summer, stick around a little longer!

there's so much i want to do!

but, here we are. summer is ending. 

i feel the pressure even more because my summer session at work is in its final week. 

then just 2 weeks off. 

then it's back to the normal routine. 

whoa.

i guess i should give a little summer update, right?

i mean little. 

i can't possibly talk all about my entire summer in this post. 

first, no one cares. 

second, it would be too long. 

let's just say it was full of hot days, projects, good food and baby smiles. 

oh baby smiles, how you melt my heart.

  

blueberry picking with special girls. they made this summer so sweet, and filled a hole in my heart. 

nieces are a precious gift. so is a kind sister-in-law i am so lucky to have.

farm fresh ice cream. farm fresh fruits and veggies bought in the town i love.

sweet snuggles from the sweetest girl. i miss her.

most of my precious family. how i miss the days when we all lived so close. 

new ink. i want more.

still to come: a much needed week of relaxing with my love. 

i can't wait.

i want to post here more, too. 

more about life. 

more about health. 

i'll try.